Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
A universal paradox of being a parent is that in trying to help our children, we often make things harder on both ourselves and them. Of course, it’s hard to see our kids suffer, and your tendency might even be to let things slide so as not to further upset your son. But you’re going to have to remember that not only is your son an adult, so are you. Neither of you is helpless.
Which is to say: In order to help him feel better, you’ll both need to change.
For starters, your son seems to think that he isn’t able to function as an adult, and without intending to, you’ve been reinforcing that belief (even if you don’t share it) by tiptoeing around him as if he’s fragile, allowing him to mistreat you, supporting him financially with no expectations, and not directly addressing important topics like his future goals and, most important, his evident pain.
I’m going to call that pain depression, because depression, particularly in men (and children), often presents as anger. In fact, depression more generally has been described as “anger turned inward,” and though you’re the target of your son’s outbursts, I imagine that his self-directed anger—his critical inner voice—is even harsher than what he hurls your way. It sounds as though his childhood came with some loss, and while he appeared okay on the outside, it could be that he didn’t know what he was feeling, or kept it inside, or went numb—at least until college. Many teens struggle with this transition, but the newfound freedom and lack of structure in college can be particularly challenging for someone with ADHD (layered on top of an underlying depression). Sometimes people with ADHD confuse their struggles with a lack of ability rather than a lack of appropriate support, and that profound misunderstanding—essentially, a distorted self-concept—can create a downward spiral.
Here’s what can help turn this around. Most of us need both structure and purpose in our days in order to feel good about ourselves. Feeling good about ourselves, in turn, creates a virtuous cycle: When we feel good about ourselves, we’re motivated to treat ourselves and other well, which in turn helps us to form meaningful relationships, engage in work we enjoy, and feel valuable in the world (which in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves … and round and round it goes). This is especially true with both ADHD and depression.
To convert your son’s vicious cycle into a virtuous one, he’s going to need some support in the form of a metaphorical aquarium: A fishbowl is too constraining and an ocean is too vast, but an aquarium provides a balance of freedom and structure. You’ll need to leave some choices up to him—within certain manageable parameters.
Since it’s your house, only you can decide what’s “out of the question” for these parameters. If he’s so explosive that he can’t have a calm conversation, you can start by writing him a loving letter, letting him know how much you care about him and telling him how sorry you are to see him suffer. Explain that you want to help him feel better not only because you love him, but because you believe fully in his talents and abilities and potential to create a fulfilling life despite how hard the past several years have been. Then tell him that you’ve come to realize that you may be part of the problem, by not respecting him as adult and treating him as one, and that you’d like to start by clarifying your expectations if he chooses to live with you. Those expectations might include: