Recently, a woman (I’m not saying her name, because she deserves to be left alone) justifiably called me out for some truly scumbag things I did in 2014: I had DM’d her over Twitter and made some pretty blunt, crude, disgusting sexual comments without her consent or invitation. She had made a non-sexual joke on Twitter, and I jumped straight to her DM’s with a clearly sexual comment. I steadily got flirtier and more sexual, and I eventually told her, “I can’t stop imagining fucking you against a wall.” I absolutely did those things.
I was reported (justifiably) for sexual harassment, which resulted in a loss of position, the removal of my column, and exile from all social media. I was kept on this punishment for two years (2014–2016), and I absolutely deserved it. I caused that. I put myself in that position, and that’s how I thought of it for the longest time: “my situation” … “my position”.
Until I was forced to confront what I had done, I didn’t realize that I was making her feel violated and unsafe. That I was making her feel that she had to listen to and respond to my advances and disgusting comments, because if she didn’t, she might lose career opportunities. That my actions weren’t just about me — I had a victim.
I’d like to address this part directly to her:
I am so, so sorry that I ever made you feel that way. You should have never been put in that situation, ever. And I did that to you. I never apologized to you — I genuinely wanted to, but was told by HR that any attempt to contact you would be considered an act of retaliation, intimidation or manipulation and would make things worse. Even after I no longer worked at that company, I was a coward and just hoped I’d never have to confront it. But I want you to know that I truly am sorry.
I’m sorry that I made you feel used. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t pitch articles or feel safe working in the same place as me. I never want anyone to feel that way, and I hate that I was the one who caused those feelings. I’m sorry that I was a coward and just hoped that it would all go away.
I know this probably won’t make you feel any better, but I at least wanted to let you know that over the last few years, I’ve made genuine efforts to change. I started seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist, and over the years, I had to confront the side of me that used people for personal gain. This situation was rooted in that: I wanted sexual attention, and I tried to pry that out of you, without even considering how it made you feel. I am so sorry that I used you like that.
I understand your anger with me; I don’t blame you for that. If you can’t forgive me, I understand that, too. But please understand that I am genuinely sorry for the things I said and the way I treated you. You didn’t deserve it, and I really hope that my apology can help you find some peace.
Edit: It’s been pointed out (and the people who pointed it out are correct) that this was a pattern of behavior at the time. I’m so sorry to everyone I hurt. Including the women I harassed, my family, my friends, and all the people who respected me. Nobody deserves to go through what I put them through.