Join us, as we take you into the most convoluted of rabbit holes, ending in a conspiracy theory involving no less than a former Playboy model, the ever-confined founder of WikiLeaks, and a vegan meal from Pret A Manger.
That's right. The release by WikiLeaks of 15,256 emails from and relating to Hillary Clinton's campaign chairman, John Podesta, was not the only, or even the most, newsworthy event associated with the international publishing organization these past few days.
Here it is folks: People are saying Pamela Anderson—you know, of Baywatch fame—poisoned, and maybe even killed, Julian Assange with a vegan meal from Pret.
I'm not saying "Julian Assange was just murdered by Pamela Anderson with a poison vegan sandwich". I'm just saying other ppl are saying it.
— Our Hidden History (@OurHiddenHistry) October 17, 2016
The rumors began to swirl after the actress visited Assange over the weekend at the Ecuadorian embassy in London where he has lived under constant watch since 2012. Soon after her visit—coincidentally or not—Assange's Internet link was severed, and a series of cryptic tweets, said to be emergency codes, were issued by his account.
Julian Assange's internet link has been intentionally severed by a state party. We have activated the appropriate contingency plans. — WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 17, 2016
Got that? Cue Stranger Things soundtrack, please.
Here's how it went down. On Saturday, the actress was seen carrying two bags from the UK sandwich chain into the embassy for a planned visit with the Wikileaks founder, who has been living in the embassy for the past four years to avoid a Swedish rape investigation—Assange denies the allegations and the UN considers him to be "arbitrarily detained". Anderson, who is known to be an outspoken animal rights advocate, reported that she brought Assange "a nice vegan lunch." Then she said, "He said I tortured him with bringing him vegan food." She also told the UK Press Association, "I really believe in him and think he's a good person, and I'm concerned about his health, his family, and I just hope that by some miracle he's set free."
That doesn't sound like someone capable of poisoning-via-vegan-meal, but, hey—what does someone capable of poisoning-via-vegan-meal sound like, anyway? This gets us thinking: Anderson did somewhat convincingly play a gun-wielding mercenary in the 1996 classic that is Barb Wire—perhaps Assange playfully called her "babe" to his eternal detriment?
Then, early this morning, WikiLeaks announced by tweet that Julian Assange's internet link has been "intentionally severed by a state party" and that they had "activated the appropriate contingency plans" all while trying to restore the link. Some are claiming that the interruption of Assange's internet service was due to John Kerry's visit to London to meet with the UK Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.
pre-commitment 1: John Kerry 4bb96075acadc3d80b5ac872874c3037a386f4f595fe99e687439aabd0219809
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 16, 2016
pre-commitment 2: Ecuador eae5c9b064ed649ba468f0800abf8b56ae5cfe355b93b1ce90a1b92a48a9ab72 — WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 16, 2016
pre-commitment 3: UK FCO f33a6de5c627e3270ed3e02f62cd0c857467a780cf6123d2172d80d02a072f74
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) October 16, 2016
Few details about Anderson's meeting with Assange have emerged, although Vivienne Westwood, the British fashion designer, who was originally supposed to visit Assange with Anderson, said of Anderson, "She told me afterwards that they got on very well. Julian was just brilliant." Westwood also added, "Pamela's trying to help people with her new trust and he gave her some ideas on how to do that."
Hmm. Did Anderson go to visit Assange to discuss a trust… or to clandestinely poison him? The Internet is pretty damn sure she was there to off Assange.
Pam Anderson killed Julian Assange with poison after being blackmailed into it by Hillary Clinton — walshy (@theryanwalsh) October 17, 2016
Don't trust unconfirmed reports of Assange being alive. The Clinton machine is capable of body doubles. ARREST PAMELA ANDERSON NOW#MAGA — MyWhiteNinja (@MyWhiteNinja) October 17, 2016
Pamela Anderson brought "healthy" food for Julian Assange on Sunday. If he's dead, I'd have that food tested. https://t.co/UO53SJm1FD — Roosh (@rooshv) October 17, 2016
Did Pam Anderson poison Assange?
Never trust a vegan lunch! — Slash Msley (@Fash_UK) October 16, 2016
The moral of the story? No good deed goes unpunished, Pamela Anderson. Next time, stop at Burger King and bring Assange something greasy and meat-filled to eat. Perhaps then, the Internet won't accuse you of murdering the dude.
Or not.