Michael Bloomberg looked at the most diverse, crowded primary field in American history, and decided that he, a dry and uncharismatic multi-billionaire from New York, is the only person who can save the Democratic Party.
Apparently, Mr. Bloomberg did not feel that his interests were being properly represented, and who could blame him? I mean, Howard Schultz ill-fated run was never going to work. He was worth less than $5 billion! Tom Steyer is making a run for it now, but he’s only worth $1.6 billion. Barely a billionaire at all! John Delaney has spent his entire campaign defending corporate interests, but he’s only worth a measly few hundred million. Pocket change!
If we’re really going to make sure that absolutely nothing fundamentally changes in this country, we need the $51.5 billion net worth Michael Bloomberg to protect and defend the status quo.
For those of you not familiar with Very Rich Intelligent Man Bloomberg, let’s take a trip down memory lane. Michael Bloomberg served as the Mayor of New York, where he was famous for doing things like defending racist stop and frisk policing (he still thinks it’s a great idea apparently) and instituting a regressive “Soda tax” that disproportionately affected the poor while ignoring sugary coffee and juice drinks that are favored by more wealthy residents.
On top of his noble battle against the poor and people of color, his history suggests he will defend our country against the neverending onslaught of “feminism” as well. He has publicly mocked women’s bodies and appearances, and has been sued by former employees for running a highly sexist company while ignoring sexual harassment and rape claims.
He has also insinuated that Charlie Rose, who was accused by dozens of women of groping them, exposing himself, and otherwise harassing them, might be innocent of any wrongdoing. A champion of the #MeToo era!
So. Mike Bloomberg, with his history of hostility towards women, people of color, and the poor, wants to run in the Democratic primary. Who exactly is his constituency?
Sit tight! The answer may shock you..
Fellow billionaires and Wall Street executives have already pledged support, including Leon Cooperman, an absurdly wealthy investor in student loan collection agency Navient, who has been publicly crying about Elizabeth Warren on TV.
These are the kind of people who think they know what America’s biggest problem is. It’s not the developed world’s most expensive and inadequate healthcare system, or historical levels of income inequality, or poverty wages, or a generation drowning in college debt, or a housing crisis, or Medicaid, SNAP, and school lunch programs being slashed, or immigrant children being detained, kidnapped, and even killed in border camps.
No, the real problem is that there’s a possibility billionaires might have to pay just a little bit more in taxes.
If Michael Bloomberg really wanted to help the country, there are plenty of ways for a person worth over $50 billion to do that. He could choose to focus on his admirable work around gun control (he funds Everytown for Gun Safety and their affiliate Moms Demand Action). He could dip into his pocket change and spread a few hundred million around helping build progressive benches in state legislatures. He could fund progressive media outlets that are rapidly being forced to close while the conservative Sinclair network buys up hundreds of local news networks. But why do any of that when you can be a stalwart defender of the most vulnerable constituency in America — our 600 billionaires?
So will Michael Bloomberg be cyberbullied out of the race like Howard Schultz? Or will his campaign be mired in scandal like Tom Steyer’s? It’s hard to say. One thing’s for sure, we’re all going to have to handle at least a few months of another billionaire defending their own self-interest like it’s some noblesse oblige.
But don’t worry, when he has dropped out after winning no delegates and wasting a whole lot of time and money, we’re going to elect a great president and tax the living shit out of him.
Erica Payne is the Founder and President of the Agenda Project