“I hope you and your loved ones are safe and being smart, because not everyone is,” said Jimmy Kimmel from his couch in Los Angeles, in reference to a picture of a crowded beach in Florida despite health guidance mandating social distancing. “These stupid people do not seem to understand how sick I am of playing Candy Land with my children.”
Meanwhile, Donald Trump “spent his weekend bragging about the imagined success he’s had fighting what he still insists on calling the ‘Chinese virus’, even though the result of that is an army of imbeciles blaming people of Chinese descent for the virus”, said Kimmel. On Monday, the president attempted to half-address the situation, tweeting that it’s “very important to protect our Asian American community in the United States” since “they are working closely with us to get rid of [coronavirus]”.
“They are working closely with us? They are us – it’s right there in the name, Asian American, it’s the second word,” said a shocked Kimmel. “He somehow manages to be racist while telling other people not to be racist.”
Finally, Kimmel chastised Rand Paul of Kentucky, the first US senator to test positive for coronavirus, for not self-isolating as he waited for test results. Paul attended meetings, worked out in the Senate gym and swam in the Senate pool. “By the way, he’s a doctor – not a good one, apparently, but Rand Paul is a medical doctor,” said Kimmel. “So now, hopefully he’s in quarantine, or maybe he’s going around to every supermarket in Kentucky licking all of the shopping carts.”
Because of Paul, Senator Mitt Romney of Utah is also in self-quarantine, which Trump sarcastically called “too bad” – evidence that “even in our darkest hours”, said Kimmel, “the president still finds time to be a catty little bitch”.
The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow)Trump’s pettiness might be the only thing that survives this pandemic.
Full coronavirus update: https://t.co/eJ9U4eWOFq pic.twitter.com/BWSeLViA4p
March 24, 2020
On the Daily Social Distancing Show, Trevor Noah offered some good news from his apartment in New York: there’s an online toiler paper calculator to figure out how long your supply will last “so that you can stop hoarding, because right now, some people have bought so much toilet paper they can probably pass it down in their will”, he said, mimicking an old person 50 years from now: “And to my grandchildren, I bequeath my fine collection of Charmin Ultra Soft that I bought during the corona crisis of 2020.”
The bad news is that “the coronavirus world tour is still in full swing”, Noah continued – Japan confirmed on Tuesday that the summer Olympics will be postponed until 2021. “I think they should just turn social distancing into an Olympic sport,” said Noah. “Have you watched people these days? When they’re walking down the street going to the grocery store, every time someone gets within 6ft of them, they’re basically doing Olympic moves.”
As for Trump’s gloating reaction to Romney’s self-quarantine, Noah had only one word: “Goddamn.
“You know, even if we all get wiped out, I feel like Trump’s pettiness is going to be the only thing that survives this pandemic,” he continued. “There’s no good time for a president to be a dick, but what he did there was a little … I mean, it was shitty, right? Mitt Romney’s in danger after being exposed to the virus, and Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, has MS so she’s at a higher risk for complications. And I bet Trump didn’t even think of this when he spoke, you know, because he can’t imagine a husband and wife getting close enough to expose one another.”
“Late Night is in quarantine but we’re still processing the public health crisis, the economic crisis, crisis of leadership at the federal level,” said Seth Meyers in his return to an ad hoc version of Late Night’s Closer Look segment, filmed in his hallway.
Meyers addressed the critical coronavirus situation in New York, which prompted the state’s governor, Andrew Cuomo, to personally promise to order young people disobeying social distancing protocols home. “I would watch an entire after-school special with an undercover Andrew Cuomo posing as a teen skateboarder, trying to bust kids for hanging out at the park,” said Meyers. “Also, I love that one of the slides in his presentation says: ‘Young people … you are wrong.’ That is serious big dad energy.”
As for Paul’s coronavirus diagnosis, “thankfully his office said he’s feeling fine, and that’s great news”, said Meyers. “Now, we could point out the fact that Paul was the only senator to vote against the bipartisan coronavirus aid package, or the fact that he stood by an incompetent president who botched the response to this crisis and called criticism of his response a hoax,” but Meyers wanted to focus on the senator’s social activities after he took a coronavirus test. “So Rand Paul thought he might have coronavirus, and he went to the gym and the pool,” said Meyers. “What else did he do – lick every desk in the Senate chamber and shake hands with the Lincoln memorial?”
Some senators, however, are taking self-isolation seriously, such as Romney, though the president’s sarcastic reaction to his caution demonstrates how Trump “never passes up an opportunity to remind us that he is an awful person”, said Meyers.
“Even in the midst of a global pandemic. It’s almost like he’s afraid we’ll forget – like he’s worried that if he’s too focused on solving the crisis, people won’t remember he’s also the same asshole who once tweeted: ‘I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.’”